I'm back...hopefully to stay

It's been so long I don't even remember how to blog! But I really want to get back into this. It's something that brought me a lot of joy and a sense of pride. I miss saving and recording so much of what is going on in our life.


Here's a recap of the last 8 months:
-Dealt with postpartum depression
-Got on Prozac which caused major mania - guess what, I have Bi-polar! I had NO idea!
-Mania became so bad, crazy, psychotic that I had to be hospitalized in Colorado
 -Returned home in June
-Been recovering ever since

I didn't realized it would take so long to heal. Not just dealing with the Bi-polar ups and downs but emotionally. It was so traumatic for me and my entire family it was like our world turned upside down.

I feel like I've been and am still trying to learn how to do life again. Like I didn't know who I was, I didn't remember what I did day to day. I used to be pretty busy, now I'm like, "Um, what do I do all day?" I'm bored and lonely. Life day to day is fine. I feel like the depression lingers. I'm not totally down and out but I feel kind of flat line most of the time. I don't think it helps that it's winter and we can't get out much. Each month I go to my psychiatrist and we sort of tweak my medication to try and get it just right.... But I take part in it too. I need to do my part to be and feel happy. Working out is a major part of that.

I feel like our family is doing great. Our kids are doing really well. Will is happy working hard for our family at work and getting back on track there after an emotionally straining year. We are super happy with each other and our sweet little family.

The latest news is that the nanny we had when we returned home is no longer with us. Her name is Emma and she was great. When I first returned we really needed her. As of late, I began feeling like I was ready to be on my own and that it wasn't really a need anymore. I tossed that around in my head for a while but not wanting to put her out since she has been so great and she's going to law school in the fall. I didn't want her to be out of a job. I thought about it a lot and prayed about it a lot too. Will and I finally decided we would let her know that we wanted to start phasing her out. I thought it is so much better to be honest with her than feel one way and never tell her. That week we were going to talk with her, Will got a text that she wanted to meet with him at his office. She came in and said that her law school advisers thought it was important to have some sort of experience in an attorney's office before going to school. She put in her two weeks notice.

 I really felt like it was such a blessing. I cared about Emma and she cared about us, both not wanting to hurt the other, and Heavenly Father cared about us both. The timing was so perfect. It gave me the peace that this really was right and a really good step for me. I want to be on my own, I want to pick up the responsibility. And it gave me the sweet assurance that my Heavenly Father cares deeply about me even in the seemingly small things. I feel that He is aware of me and where I'm at and although progress has been slow, I feel okay about it, content and patient. I feel hope that each day I can get better. I feel hope that I can still learn and grow and become better as a mom and taking care of the home. And I feel hope that there are many bright and HAPPY days ahead of me.

 So there is a recap. Hopefully I will start taking pictures again and posting everyday life again. Thanks for reading :)