Since I'm still not up for much talking, I know I wont be able to respond (at least not right away) to all the love. But please know that I felt it and how very much I appreciate it. But what I think you do deserve, is to know how I'm doing so I decided to continue the dialogue here. Weird yes, but I'm over it.
I mentioned how much your emails and messages have meant to me. How they have encouraged me to fight when it feels so bleak.
"How can you feel so down when you're life is so good?" is the question that swarms in my mind. My answer, "I don't know." So many, upon hearing of my condition, have asked, "why?" and I stare blankly back, unable to respond. I wish there was a reason. I don't wish for ill, or something major, but at least I could slap a label on it and be done. Instead, I am left feeling crazy, scared, and weak and don't why.
My friend Shannon said, "I went to aerobic instructor boot camp for two days, and I literally could not do a thing after. Does it feel like that?" No. I've been sick as a dog and still ached to get up and DO.This is the sick where you lose the fire to do. That's hell if I've ever known it. I'm numb, all I can and want to do is lay in bed with the covers over my head. There I am lost, overwhelmed, and without hope, yet I still don't want to stand up. This can last for days, weeks... I force myself to get up to at least do the essentials for the kids. I long to be busy, where I am happy (that's me!), but where is my direction? Gone.
Fears creep up. "There's no way out, I'm broken, I can't handle anything, I can't do it, everything, anything is too overwhelming".....irrational thinking of an irrational state of mind. I have realized that I care an awful lot about what people think. I agonize: "I need to call her, I have to text her back, I am suppose to be there right now, people hate me, they think I'm a flake, I'm not reliable." When I am back to being me and thinking clearly, I know these thoughts are not true.
A year goes by with the beginnings of these suffering fading in and out, great ups and some downs... but lately, more and more of the shutting down. "I'm feeling overwhelmed, well I might as well lay down then," is how it starts. When I lay down, I am giving in. I lose my direction, I am lost. I enter into varying depths of "the pit" and may or may not reappear soon.
At this point I realized I need help. It's not something I can keep pushing and pushing and fighting and fighting through. As I look back, that's what I've done my whole life. I'm stressed, work harder. I'm so stressed, I work so hard, I achieve so high. Where is the peace, when can I relax, keep working hard, but why am I always overwhelmed? How come, even though I am so capable, she can do it and be happy and I am sitting here so overwhelmed with this cloud (whatever the cloud may be at that particular time, ie school, work, parenting) never goes away.......years, years, I'm happy, I really do love life working hard, but oh I'm always stressed, but I can live life on this high frequency, this is just how I am.....................the stress rises.........I SHUT DOWN.
Help. I need help, I might lose everything I hold dear. God, I have no idea what to do.
"You are so loved, Julie Anne," I feel it from all around, from YOU, from Will, from my kids, my family, and most especially my Father in Heaven. This is "but a small moment." (D&C 121:7)
I had my first appointment with a therapist. I learned some things. My "All or Nothing Perspective" was pointed out. WOW oh WOW how that struck home! I need to do it all, all right, or I can't do it. Example: I need to feed my kids whole grains, fruits and vegetables....oh my goodness it is too overwhelming, here, here is some chocolate chips. Or I need to do the dishes, scrub, scrub...ah the I see the baseboards are dirty, oh no I see the doors are dirty, oh my goodness look at the window sill, the windows......ahhh, I am so overwhelmed I can't possibly do these few dishes, I have to lay down on the couch ." (these are real things I stress about) But it doesn't matter the situation, I will find something to hone in my stress on. (Reagan's sleep habits for example). Yeah, All or Nothing Perspective to a T.
Through this first session I also realized something very big.....I'm trying too hard to be perfect. Yes, we are all striving to be better through this life, that's what it's all about. But somehow I need to take it on in a different way. I don't know how not to try to be perfect. I clearly know that I am NOT perfect, but I don't know how to let myself not try. Example: I honestly did not know how not to get an A in school. I mean maybe if I honestly couldn't pass a test, but there was NO way I would not turn in a paper, not do an assignment, not study my butt off for a test. I just couldn't. I could honestly say that if I got a B it was fine, but I didn't know how to not do my best in the class, if that makes sense. Now apply that to all of my life. I can get an A in any class, I went through ALL of BYU with straight A's (now you know where the social life went, lol). But now for real life, you can't conquer and slap an "A" on real aspects of your life, it's not completely achievable like a class is and to me I hate it!!! I want to be able to "do" it and do it right and get a good grade so to speak, to check it off that's it's done. But you don't have control over things (and I get so stressed out and so overwhelmed that I shut down. (just lately).
As I've shared this "perfect" concept to a few people I have realized that I have sadly hurt more people than myself. Don't take this the wrong way but I sort of have a flawless first impression (once you get to know me, you realized I am all too real and flawed) but for some reason I come off WAY better than I am on first glimpse. Or on my blog. I don't think it's me being fake, I just think I can appear to be better than I am.
Me proclaiming to the world that I am dealing with depression and that I am hurting so badly was almost a relief. I could breath. I could allow myself to be in sorrow, to let people see me lying in bed, with my kids going crazy, sweep the disgustingness off my kitchen floor and scrub my toilet and you know what....IT WAS OKAY.
I'm OKAY. I'm going to be OKAY. It is so so hard, and it's not over, it's going to be a long journey, probably something I will struggle with all my life. But that is OKAY.
I know that this trial will stretch me so far, and that I will undoubtedly be able to use it to help others. My Relief Society President, Rosemary Jarman, lovingly held my hand and said, "Julie Anne, I don't know why you have to go through this, but when you find out, will you tell me?" Her beaming face looking down at mine, sitting on the other end of very real trials, filled me with such hope.
This will not break me! I will only be stronger. I will fulfill my dreams, so many things Heavenly Father sent me here to accomplish.
Our Deepest Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
A Return to Love - Marianne Williamson
I'm so impressed that you are so willing to share this - I think a lot of people will benefit from your openness. We're praying for you over here. We love you guys.
ReplyDeleteIf you can, you should totally get a copy of this book. "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns. You DEFINITELY won't regret reading it. It is such a good book! Get a hold of a copy. I think you can find them online for pretty cheap. It is so good!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're feeling at least a bit better. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteHow awesome to get some clarity after your first time with the therapist. I am sure they will give you great ways to cope and you can be back to feeling better soon.
ReplyDeleteWell said lady. I am there with you. No one understands depression until you are dragged through it. Mortality is real and to look at the bigger picture helps. We are not given more then we can handle and now we both can help those around us by knowing and understanding a whole new perspective. Hang in there! Love sent from AZ.
ReplyDeleteAwesome! That's the first word that comes to mind. Julie, you are awesome! Thanks for sharing and thanks for believing.
ReplyDeleteOh Julie Beck, I just love you. And you don't know how many people you have helped by showing that there's hope that shines through, even when you feel hopeless. This post helped me so much, and I admire your honesty and courage. Thank you thank you Julie Anne :)
ReplyDeleteJulie- I love you and I am so glad that you are willing to let us in! We will pray for you and our thoughts will be with you. Just remember life is HARD for everyone. We can all relate to what you have said. I love you
ReplyDeleteDear Julie,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you remember me or not, but I am Mary (Castillo) Jenkins mother, and we met on that wonderful church history trip a few summers ago. I am sorry that you are going through so much right now. I know that depression is real and that it is very devastating. I am glad to know that you are fighting it with all the tools available to you.
I just wanted to share with you how special a person you are. During that 2 1/2 weeks we spent together going all over the place, I saw you as a very spiritual, competent young woman. You were a part of the glue that kept us all together in a very good way on that trip. Then, when we got to the John Johnson farm, and the sister missionary there shared her extraordinary testimony with us, having very little to do with the John Johnson Farm or the "Revelations Room" that we were in, I felt that she shared that testimony especially for you, Mary and I. I still think about that and it strengthens my testimony to know that Heavenly Father knows us individually and well enough to guide us to get help when we need strengthening. At that time I was very impressed with your spiritual strength, and how much Heavenly Father loves you.
You set a very high standard for yourself, and you are very hard on yourself. I remember hearing about a time when Donny Osmond was suffering the same sort of thing and was not able to make himself perform. He said that the thing that finally helped him to get past it was when his wife told him that he was afraid of not doing a good job of it, but his standard was so high, that even an average performance for him would far outside what most everyone else could do. In other words, just giving an average performance by him, was an extremely high quality to everyone else. It helped him to keep going. I think that you also have a very high standard, and maybe if you think about what might be average for you, it would probably be still very high compared to most other people. If you could let yourself be "average" with things until you are well enough to get back to yourself, it might help.
I have also heard that sometimes depression can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the body. Years ago I read an article about research being done with manic-depressive people, and they were helped by having dialysis treatments. They were working with pretty severe cases, but I just thought I would mention it in case there is something easy that could be added to your diet or metabolism to help. I am sure the professionals will know what is best for you.
Well, Julie, I just wanted to remind you that you are a VERY SPECIAL Child of God, that Heavenly Father loves you, and to send love and encouragement to you during this hard time in your life. Remember the lesson Joseph Smith learned in Liberty Jail, that "all things are for our experience" and when you get through this experience, you will be even stronger and more spiritual.
Wishing you all the best with love, Marilyn Castillo
Always remember: Heavenly Father loves you and there is nothing wrong with you. The effort you make to just get out of bed or to get food for the kids is every bit as valuable and important as the effort someone who is not struggling with depression makes to do other, more flamboyant things. You are working every bit as hard (if not harder) than they are. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that your mental health is a throwaway thing. It is not. It is almost a cliche to say this now, but you would never condemn someone with cancer for being exhausted after chemo. The effort you make to survive is like that and it is perhaps the most heroic thing in the world. Just because no one sees the real fight but you does not mean it is not a really terrible fight. But you are fighting, and you are going to win. Always remember: Heavenly Father loves you. They that be with you are greater than they that be with the depression.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved, as you know, but do not forget it. The number of prayers climbing to heaven on your behalf fill the skies. Heavenly Father loves you.
I bet that this post was completely therapeutic for you in a number of ways. Wow, doesn't it feel like such a release to let it out? Bearing your soul here was a beautiful thing! I don't even know how to organize my thoughts to say many other things I would like to. Just keep fighting the good fight!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you are getting some relief. When I first heard you were struggling the first thing I thought was "she is getting overwhelmed by trying to be and do EVERYTHING." You are such a go getter and and I admire that, but there comes a time when you need a break!I have close family members that struggle with depression and know the confusion and hurts that it causes. I love you and are you are in my thoughts and prayers. PS. I heard a saying the other day that I loved "Life's greatest sorrows shouldn't outweigh life's greatest treasures" :)
ReplyDelete:) I am so impressed by how well you can articulate how you are feeling. I never really can when I am "down." And, I will never forget my 1st therapist appointment when I was asked, "are you a perfectionist?" my answer was, "NO! I am not perfect." She then asked, "are you ok with making a mistake?" um, that is not an easy question, I am not ok with making a mistake, with not doing things the "right" way. Great humility = great growth. I will be keeping tabs on you through your blog. And, remember, you didn't "cause" this...
ReplyDeleteThanks for letting us know how you're doing - I know you guys can get through this as a family and with Heavenly Father's help. We love you and your family so much! We are totally pulling for you, and this post actually helped me too, even though I didn't know I needed it. We love you, you are all in our prayers, and I know you're going to be more compassionate and strong through this trial.
ReplyDeleteYour realness in this post is simply beautiful. I felt so comfortable reading it. Is that weird to say? I guess you expect to feel awkward reading about personal issues, but your imperfect Julie Anne-ness is in itself, perfect.
ReplyDeleteJulie-
ReplyDeleteI LOVE YOU.
You're one amazing person and DAUGHTER of our Father in Heaven. I love reading your blog! You inspire me to be a better person and mother. I am so sorry and sad to hear that you are dealing with this. It is so real and a trial I would wish upon no one. I have confidence in YOU- though. YOU are so strong, so faithful, so full of power and so worthy of divine help.
I know you'll pull through and come out stronger than before! I pray for you that your may endure it well and that it really will be "but a small moment."
So, I love this quote by Helen Keller...
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing... character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved." -Helen Keller
I read this after Joseph was born-and it helped me to realize (cause I don't think I really understood before-but finally I realized that others go through trials too-I'M not the only one) that Life is full of trials. Everyone's trial is different. Everyone's trial-when overcome turns out to be something they needed. Something that made them stronger and more like our Savior. Trials are what refine us. We didn't come perfect, nor will we achieve perfection while on this earth-but "if we endure it well" God WILL exalt us on high.
In Pres. Eyring talk, entitled "Adversity", he says,
"My purpose today is to assure you that our Heavenly Father and the Savior live and that They love all humanity. The very opportunity for us to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of Their infinite love. God gave us the gift of living in mortality so that we could be prepared to receive the greatest of all the gifts of God, which is eternal life. Then our spirits will be changed. We will become able to want what God wants, to think as He thinks, and thus be prepared for the trust of an endless posterity to teach and to lead through tests to be raised up to qualify to live forever in eternal life.
...I bear you my testimony that God the Father lives. He set a course for each of us that can polish and perfect us to be with Him."
JUST THINK of it-soon you'll be more polish!!
Sending you a hug!
With Love,
Klarissa
Our Father in Heaven is watching over all.